I’m not psychic, but I can already predict what’s going to happen on Thanksgiving. Some family member I see twice a year will ask where my girlfriend is (we broke up almost five years ago), one of my younger brothers will make a joke about my graying hair, and my dad will pass me the turkey before my mom reminds him that I haven’t eaten meat in 18 years. Then, when she explains what “vegan” means for maybe the thousandth time, he’ll ask if I want a slice of pumpkin pie.
Needless to say, I don’t like Thanksgiving.
That said, I make an appearance at my parents’ house every year because—vegan frustration aside—I love hanging out with my family. Still, just once I’d like to host my own Thanksgiving bash in which I invite the sorts of people who wouldn’t laugh when I ask if anyone wants more nutritional yeast on their chickpea salad.
A boy can dream, can’t he?
Yes, yes he can, which is why I named my ultimate vegan-Thanksgiving-at-my-house guest list.
1. Pamela Anderson
Yes, she’s a gorgeous blonde and there are countless jokes to be made about that, but I’m inviting her because everything she says about veganism is so on point that I can’t imagine she wouldn’t be a phenomenal dinner guest.
2. Bill Ward
Black Sabbath might not want him back in the band, but there’s always an open seat at my table for the most underrated rock ‘n’ roll drummer ever.
3. Ellie Goulding
Mostly so I can figure out who the “aspiring vegan” is.
4. David Carter
I plan on eating a lot on Thanksgiving, but with a 10,000-calorie daily intake, the former NFL linebacker will make me feel much better about having a second helping of sweet potatoes. Besides, we can train after we’re done grubbing on broccoli and mashed potatoes.
5. Kittee Berns
Cuz you know she’ll bring some amazing Ethiopian food. And she’s a snazzy dresser.
6. Jared Leto
Girls love this dude, so that selfie with me and the actor is definitely winning me points with future dates.
7. Woody Harrelson
Somebody’s gotta bring the brownies.
8. Betty White
Before I die, I want to sit across a dinner table from Betty White, eat vegan cheesecake at midnight while wearing robes, and talk about our relationship problems.
9. Mike Tyson
Someone’s going to have to keep Betty White in line once she has one too many slices of vegan cheesecake. Enter Mike Tyson.
10. Natalie Portman
In fact, if Natalie Portman accepts my invitation, the rest of you can consider yourselves uninvited.